In 2005, the United Nations General Assembly designated January 27—the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz-Birkenau—as International Holocaust Remembrance Day. Some lucky Jews get to feel sorry for themselves twice a year, as some countries have adopted their own Holocaust memorial days, which may fall on different dates. Israeli kikes celebrate Yom HaShoah. What a cool name for a holiday when Jews who were scarcely touched by the war can cash their Holocaust welfare checks and stock up on marijuana and prostitutes!

The problem is, the Jews’ persecution didn’t end with the Holocaust. Even today, some people have the nerve to call Jews names and express skepticism regarding their Holocaust narrative! Can you imagine if Native Americans and African American slaves had been forced to endure name calling?! So what if Jews have money coming out of their assholes? They need to be given the respect they deserve for all the wonderful things they’ve done for humannity, like inventing nuclear weapons and teaching bankers how to screw millions of people around the world.

In this spirit, I’m calling for the adoption of an International Cry for the Jews Day, a day when people around the globe stop what they’re doing and bawl their eyes out while furiously masturbating. (This gesture commemorates the Jews who spray jiz all over the Wailing Wall.) If that sounds sexist, don’t worry; we can come up with some ideas to honor all the Jewish women who are whores, like Monica Lewinsky, as well. A C4J Day would also be a good time to take a look at whatever money the Jews haven’t stolen from us. Surely, we can find a little more to give them.

The million-dollar question is when should Cry4Jews Day be observed? Should it be on a particular day of the week? Should it be observed during a certain month? How about Woody Allen’s birthday, or maybe a date commemorating Harvey Weinstein’s first rape? Hell, why not let it all hang out and commemorate the date Benjamin Netanyahu first shit in a Palestinian’s olive orchard?

I’m open for suggestions. In the meantime, start stocking up on onions, because we just can’t cry hard enough for the poor, oppressed Jewish bankers that are exploiting us.

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